Jokes - Lonelyblues

	Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
	Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!
	Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice? A: Because it was a double-crosser.
	Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road? A: To take over the other side.
	Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide.
	Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach? A: To get to the other tide.
	Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
	Q: How many letters are there in the alphabet? A: Twenty-four, because E.T. went home
	Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time? A: A dependent Claus
	Q: What do you call Santa's Helpers? A: Subordinate clauses!
	The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
	Q: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
	A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
	Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
	If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents. If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately. Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck. Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair. I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!! I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it. They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none. You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for. People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority! Yu must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals. I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more! If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
	Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get. I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others? Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye. People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright. Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live. The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him. I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo. When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening. I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice. I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool. I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible. I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.
	These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world. "The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway "In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse "A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio "He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer "An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio "This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service. "We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA) "He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal
	The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"
	Q: What's the best way to make a nun pregnant? A: Fuck her!
	Q: What's the different between a girl taking a bath, and a nun? A: A nun has hope in her soul, and the girl has soap in her hole.
	Q: What's red and wet and spread for miles? A1: Baby dropped through helicoper blades. A2: Baby tossed in a jet intake at 30'000 feet. (Really spread around)
	Q: What do you call big, ugly, hairy nun driving motorcycles? A: Hell's Angels of Mercy.
	Q: What do you call an anorexic with yeast infection? A: A quarter pounder with cheese.